Wednesday, July 13, 2011

173.8 lbs 800 cals

I knew this would happen. There's no way you can be eating AT MOST 1/2 the calories you should be and NOT lose weight. I thought I was losing my mind there for a minute.

I forgot how cranky restricting makes me though. I hope I adjust soon. Every small annoyance just irritates the piss out of me. I feel bad for my poor boyfriend.

I couldn't deal with the stupid phone and internet company so I set him to it.

Hopefully the other thing that happens when I restrict will kick in soon - cooking and baking all the time. He fucking loves that.

However, I'm worried he's gonna wise up to what I'm doing - and so soon after I agreed to see a counselor for my mental health.

Last time he didn't have any idea until, like an idiot, I told him. Stupid, emotional, me. I was feeling neglected and overlooked - how could he NOT notice that I just wasn't eating?

Of course, now he's noticing. I'm such an idiot.

Yesterday he noticed at 6pm that I hadn't eaten anything, so I lied and said I went to a restaurant after my karate lesson. I have noticed that he confuses quantity with calories, so that's why I had a big bowl of fiber pasta and veggies for dinner.

And that brings us to today. I had an appointment at noon with my tattoo artist. I'm working on a full back piece - a tattoo that takes up my entire  back. Only boyfriend's computer, which is one of the very few things in the house that we use to measure time and is set correctly - was set to the pacific time zone, where his business trip is.

So we left the house at 11am to go to Panera (he had been bugging me to go to breakfast, and after his comment yesterday about me not eating all day, I felt like I had to go) only to get in the car and find out that it was actually 1pm. I was completely panicking because my tattoo artist was coming in on his day off to tattoo me. But I get to the tattoo place which is only a few minutes from my house to find out he's not there, either! I was worried he'd come and left, but he hadn't been in yet that day. So I call him, no answer.

Well, there's a Panera right next to the tattoo shop too, so I leave my phone number for him and me and boyfriend go off to have brunch.

Maybe I was being too cautious, because I had a bowl of soup and piece of bread, instead of the cup of soup and apple that I really wanted to order (and I usually don't eat the apple...) I just want to keep boyfriend off my back, and happy.

I think it's like when you're in middle school and it feels like everyone is watching you, and you're so self conscious... and then you get older and realize hardly anyone gives a fuck. Maybe he wouldn't have noticed at all.

I dunno. I do know that I feel positively ill now. Come to think of it, didn't I say that a few days ago about panera soup as well? I'm pretty sure I did. But where else can I go to get something I can actually eat and still restrict?

I know, without a doubt, that it would be so easy to make myself throw it up - at least part of it - but I really don't want to go down that path.

So the bowl of broccoli cheddar soup was 290 cals
and the baguette was 180 cals
Cals so far - 470

I'd like for that to be it today, but with boyfriend, I dunno.

Tattoo artist and I got a hold of each other and rescheduled for 5:00, which is in a little less than an hour. I'm such a wuss when it comes to pain. Wish me luck!

Had dinner with the boyfriend.
Smart Ones pasta entre - 240 calories
dream bar - 90 calories
TOTAL: 800 calories


Anonymous said...

Hope the tattoo went well! You're braver than me!

Love AJ xx

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